Lickin Life with Laughter

Categories:

• Funny Stories and Headlines
• Life: You Gotta Love It
• Funny Things We've Said
• Funny Things Starring Children
• Just a Mom

Funny Stories and Headlines

We Love Dad

“The greatest gift I ever had came from God, and I call him Dad!” --Anonymous

"It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was." -- Anne Sexton

“I've had a hard life, but my hardships are nothing against the hardships that my father went through in order to get me to where I started.” --Bartrand Hubbard

Thoughts:

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” --Mark Twain

“By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.” --Charles Wadsworth

“Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.” --Robert Orben

Laughs for Dad:

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8 (http://www.theromantic.com/humor/kidsviews.htm)

A company held a contest for kids with the theme: "The nicest thing My Father Ever Did For Me." One kid answered, "He married my mother." (http://www.butlerwebs.com/holidays/fathersday.htm#Humor)

Advice:

A boy was asked, “How would you make a marriage work?”

“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.” - Ricky, age 10 (http://www.theromantic.com/humor/kidsviews.htm)

“It is a wise father that knows his own child.” --William Shakespeare

If you’re stressed and get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two, and keep away from children.” (http://www.butlerwebs.com/jokes/parents.htm)

”I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” --Harry S Truman

Dad--The Big Sissy

“I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection.”

—Sigmund Freud

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." (http://www.butlerwebs.com/jokes/kids.htm)

Some Thoughts for Dad and Dad’s to Be

What is the right age to get married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10 (http://www.theromantic.com/humor/kidsviews.htm)

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves." (http://www.retirementwithapurpose.com/jokesshort.html)

Jimmy Piersal, on how to diaper a baby:

”Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then, fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again.”

”By profession I am a soldier and take pride in that fact. …But I am prouder – infinitely prouder – to be a father….It is my hope that my son, when I am gone, will remember me not from the battle field but in the home repeating with him our simple daily prayer, 'Our Father who art in Heaven.'” --Douglas Macarthur

I didn't know if my daughter knew all her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask her what color it was. She always knew. It seemed a nice, simple way to spend some time with the little one and I was enjoying it so I continued. At last she headed for the other room slightly reprimanding me as she went, saying, "Daddy, I think it’s time for you to figure out some of these yourself."

Speeding Ticket

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle.

(From: http://www.allcleanhumor.com/jokesarchive/)

Wacky Headlines

We’ve all seen them—Headlines that tell a little different story than what the author intended. Here are a few:

• THUGS EAT THEN ROB PROPRIETOR
• NEW HOUSING FOR ELDERLY NOT YET DEAD
• IRAQUI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
• HERSHEY BARS PROTEST
• MEAT HEAD FIGHTS HIKE IN MINIMUM PAY
• CAUSE OF AIDS FOUND -- SCIENTISTS
• EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
• TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
• REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD
• DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK FRIDAY NOON
• SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
• LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVISE
• TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
• 2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 10 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER
• 20-YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTAR
• IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE
• HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS REQUIRE SOME STUDY FOR GRADUATION
• BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS
• SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS
• GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE
• DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT
• IKE SAYS NIXON CAN'T STAND PAT
• FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF BY NEW LAW
• QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER
• DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
• SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
• CARTER TICKS OFF BLACK HELP

(Source: www.allcleanhumor.com/ )

You Gotta Watch that Chef Closely

Have you heard about the study that claims that cooking behaviors of TV chefs are setting a bad example? Researchers at Toronto’s University of Guelph-Humber conducted a study wherein they found that TV chefs didn’t wash vegetables and fruits, used spoons after tasting from them, and food that had fallen on the floor.

For those of you who aren’t asking yourselves, “yeah…so what’s the point?” You might wonder if maybe the study is a marketing gimmick. It’s got me curious enough to tune in once in awhile.

Locked Out

One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.

John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat.

With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one handy."

(Source: http://www.GCFL.net)

Classmates?

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
"In 1952."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"
(Source: http://www.GCFL.net )

What Good is Physics Anyway?

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor said, "Physics saves lives, because it keeps certain people out of medical school."

(Source: http://www.GCFL.net info@gcfl.net)

Sunday School Lessons

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and

thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

(http://www.gcfl.net/archive-index.php)

I Won’t Believe it if You Won’t

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

(Source: http://www.surfccc.com/)

Gone Fishing

One day a fisherman sat on the dock enjoying the early afternoon sun. A wealthy businessman paused as he walked by the dock and yelled, “Why aren’t you out there fishing?”

The fisherman replied, “I’ve already caught all I need for today.”

The businessman, rather smugly said, “If you were to use your time fishing, you could catch more fish and then sell what you don’t need and make some extra money.”

“And then what?” answered the fisherman.

“After saving enough money you could buy a bigger boat that would take you further out to sea where you could catch more fish and make more money.”

“And then what?” replied the fisherman again.

“Well,” started the businessman, “then you could buy a whole fleet of boats, catch thousands of fish and make thousands of dollars in one day and you’d be rich like me!”

“And then what?” asked the fisherman.

“Then you could sit back and enjoy life like I do.”

The fisherman smiled and said, “that’s what I do already.”

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Life: You Gotta Love It

The Cycles of Life

The life cycle is all backwards. You should die first and get it out of the way. Then you live for twenty years in an old age home, and get kicked out when you’re too young. You get a gold watch and then you go to work. You work forty years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement. You go to college and party until you’re ready for high school. Then you go to grade school, you become a little kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating, and you finish off as a gleam in somebody’s eye.

Reprinted from:
A Whack on the Side of the Head:
How You Can Be More Creative,
By Roger von Oech

The Four Stages of Life from an anonymously written email:

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

When Does Life Begin?

A philosopher, Dr., and engineer were having a discussion about when life really begins. The philosopher argued that life begins at the moment of birth, “ because you see... blah, blah, and so forth.”

The Dr. said that it’s very obvious to him through his experience that life begins at the moment of conception.

The engineer said, “you’re both crazy. Life begins when your last child leaves home and the dog dies!”

(Submitted by an almost empty nester who misses her children very much—but then there are some advantages!)

Great Truths Learned Through Life

From an authorless email that has been passed around (hopefully not so much that everyone has seen it) -------

Great Truths that Little Children Have Learned:

• No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
• When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
• If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
• Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
• You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
• Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
• Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
• You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
• Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
• The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

Great Truths that Adults Have Learned:

• Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
• Wrinkles don't hurt.
• Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
• Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
• Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Great Truths about Growing Old

• Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
• Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
• When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
• You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
• It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
• Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
• Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

How to Be a Good Wife

The next time someone says, “remember the good old days when...” you can be grateful that some things have changed! An excerpt from a 1950s high school Home Economics textbook states:

PREPARE YOURSELF. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, papers, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the table. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too.

PREPARE THE CHILDREN. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

MINIMIZE ALL NOISE. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, and vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

SOME DON’TS. Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as a minor thing compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and take off his shoes. Speak in a low soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

LISTEN TO HIM. You may have a dozen things to tell him. But the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

MAKE THE EVENING HIS. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, and his need to be home to relax.

THE GOAL. Try to make your home a place of order, where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

HAVE DINNER READY. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed. (Kids too)

Imagine that. Your friendly service--Everything but the Chef—makes you at least 1 for 9!

Have you Listened?...Oh Well, You Wouldn’t Remember Anyway!

There are some (probably really smart people) who say:

• 85% of our learning is derived from listening.
• Listeners are distracted, forgetful and preoccupied 75% of the time.
• Most listeners only recall 50% of what they’ve heard immediately after hearing someone say it.
• People spend 45% of their waking time listening.
• Most people remember only about 20% of what they hear over time.
• People listen to about 125 to 250 words per minute but think at about 1000 to 3000 words per minute.
• There have been at least 35 business studies indicating listening as a top skill needed for success.

Time Tested Beauty Tips
By Sam Levenson

• For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
• For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
• For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
• For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
• For poise, walk with the knowledge you’ll never walk alone.
• People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed: Never throw out anybody.
• Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm.
• As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
• The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
• The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

Funny Things To Do In An Elevator
http://listology.com

• When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
• Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
• Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
• Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
• Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
• Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
• Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
• Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
• Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
• Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
• Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
• Ask, "Did you feel that?"
• Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
• When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
• Swat at flies that don't exist.
• Tell people that you can see their aura.
• Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.
• Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
• Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
• Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
• Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You’re one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
• Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
• Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
• Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
• Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

Innocent Pranks for Teens

Got teenagers? Here are some suggestions that came into my teens inbox for Maintaining a Healthy Level of Insanity that you might want to share with your kids…just for the fun of it.

• Page yourself over the intercom without disguising your voice.
• As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
• Sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
• Put mosquito netting around your work area and play a tropical sounds CD all day.
• Five days in advance tell your friend you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
• When money comes out of the ATM, yell “I Won! I Won!”
• Go to a popular mountain biking spot and set up your treadmill at the entrance.

I don’t know about your teenagers, but mine did things like this. Teenagers—they’ll soon be gone so enjoy them while they’re under your roof!

Here’s one for you : Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

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Funny Things We've Said

Baseball Bloopers Away From the Diamond

Spring is that time of year when “Play Ball” is heard on baseball fields across the country. Yogi Berra was a favorite of some baseball fans as his carreer stretched across 3 decades (from 1946-1965). He was inducted into Baseball’s Hall of Fame in 1972. He is perhaps the most widely quoted sports star of all time. He is certainly known for his faux pas. Here are some good ones remembered that have been credited to him—

(see http://rinkworks.com/said/yogiberra.shtml)

--About Baseball

If the fans don’t come out to the ball park, you can’t stop them.

Think! How the [heck] are you gonna think and hit at the same time?

Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting.

You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough, in the second half you give what's left.

I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.

It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't.

I'd say he's done more than that. -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.

The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.

"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical.

--On Traveling

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.

Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded.

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Yeah, but we're making great time! -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost.”

Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

--Some really good observations!

This is like déjà vu all over again.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

He must have made that before he died.

A nickel isn't worth a dime today.

Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded.

It gets late early out there. -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.

I made a wrong mistake.

If you can't imitate him, don't copy him.

Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.

Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.

--Generally Speaking

I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947

I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it. -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.

It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much.

Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.

I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four.

90% of the putts that are short don't go in.

How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."

He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light.

You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours.

I didn’t really say everything I said!

Berra on “Traveling”

Spring is that time of year when “Play Ball” is heard on baseball fields across the country. Yogi Berra was a favorite of some baseball fans as his career stretched across 3 decades (from 1946-1965). He was inducted into Baseball’s Hall of Fame in 1972. He is perhaps the most widely quoted sports star of all time. He is certainly known for his faux pas. Here are some good ones concerning traveling that have been credited to him:

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.

Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded.

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Yeah, but we're making great time! -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost.”

Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

(Reference: http://rinkworks.com/said/yogiberra.shtml)

Good Observations, Berra

We’re into that time of year again when “Play Ball” is heard on baseball fields across the country. Yogi Berra was a favorite of some baseball fans as his career stretched across 3 decades (from 1946-1965). He was inducted into Baseball’s Hall of Fame in 1972. Lickin’ Life brought to you by Everything but the Chef features several famous faux pas credited to Berra, and here are some more for your reading enjoyment. Here are some good observations by Berra remembered:

This is like déjà vu all over again.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

He must have made that before he died.

A nickel isn't worth a dime today.

Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded.

It gets late early out there. -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.

I made a wrong mistake.

If you can't imitate him, don't copy him.

Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.

Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.

(Reference for material: http://rinkworks.com/said/yogiberra.shtml )

“Generally Speaking” by Yogi

We’re well into that time of year when “Play Ball” is heard on baseball fields across the country, and it’s a pastime that some dads enjoy very much. Yogi Berra was a favorite of some baseball fans as his career stretched across 3 decades (from 1946-1965). He was inducted into Baseball’s Hall of Fame in 1972. He is perhaps the most widely quoted sports star of all time. He is certainly known for his faux pas. Share them with your dad (maybe he remembers some of them!) and make him smile:

I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947

I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it. -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.

It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much.

Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.

I take a two-hour nap, from one o'clock to four.

90% of the putts that are short don't go in.

How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."

He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light.

You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours.

I didn’t really say everything I said!

(Reference for material: http://rinkworks.com/said/yogiberra.shtml)

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

(Source of this material…? It’s from one of those emails sent by a friend that you don’t have time to read but do anyway)

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Where Did our Giving-Directions Words Come From?

You must admit there are some curiosities about the way we do things—such as communicate. One example is how we express the direction we take to get around. We travel up North, down South, back East, and out West. How come if the world is really a ball turning in the infinite realm we call space? I mean if you get out far enough and look at the earth, would you really know which way was up? Being weightless and all could easily get a person confused. Besides, traveling north from my house means I go down, south is actually up hill, and since I’ve never been in the East, how can I go “back” there. I’m already in what we call the West and I’m still trying to figure what this place is “out” of. I’m so confused.

And that brings me to the whole East-West thing. Whoever decided that I live in the West? Yes, I’m west of the east coast, or is it just really, really west of me?

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Funny Things Starring Children

Deep Thoughts of Children

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."...

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
-- Age 10

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
-- Age 6

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! -- Age 6

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. -- Age 7

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. -- Age 5

(Source: http://www.GCFL.net )

Proverbs Out of the Mouths of Babes

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. Here’s the outcome (Source: http://www.surfccc.com/):

• Better To Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
• Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
• It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
• Never Under Estimate The Power Of.. Termites.
• You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?
• Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
• No News Is... Impossible.
• A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
• You Cant Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
• If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
• Love All, Trust... Me!
• The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
• An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
• Where There's Smoke, There is... Pollution.
• Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
• A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
• Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
• Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
• Laugh & The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry & …You Have To Blow Your Nose.
• None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller.
• Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
• If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
• You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
• When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
• There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.

(Source: http://www.surfccc.com/)

Speeding Ticket

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle.

(From: http://www.allcleanhumor.com/jokesarchive/)

Excuses for being Absent

“You wouldn’t believe some of the excuses we get in the office for kids being absent from school. Most of them are made up by the students themselves,” is what my friend who works in the attendance office once told me.

I’d like to share some with you. Since your kids would NEVER do such a thing (mine either) read on to put a little humor in your day.

“Pleaze execute my son from being abcent on January 31 and 32. Signed, his mom.”

“Please excuse my daughter for shopping for clothes yesterday. She has to go with me becuz I don’t no her size.”

“My daughter was late to school because I didn’t get her out of bed. I tried but her music was too loud and she didn’t here me. Please erase her tardy and tell the teacher to not get mad at her.”

“My son waited for the bus until noon. It never came. It was so late by then I let him take my car to run errands so he wasn’t at school.”

“My dotter was not at school yesterday cuz she gets headakes a lot.”

“Please excuse Julie Friday because she will be sick.”

Kids Say Funny Things

You have to consider the funny things to make it through life. Kids are great resources for giving us some “funny things” to think about. Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby hosted shows that brought a lot of smiles to many people as they interviewed sweet children, and allowed us to hear some great answers. This month I’d like to share some of the funny things I’ve heard (or heard of) kids saying.

A laugh about breakfast--

One morning my family was eating breakfast without me because I was resting after surgery. I usually prepare meals, but under the circumstances my husband had fixed eggs—his favorite. While my family was eating I heard my daughter say, “is mommy going to die?” My husband was startled and before he could answer my daughter said, “I sure hope not because I sure don’t want to have eggs for breakfast every day!”

Mom can’t read—

A while after surgery in my mouth, before I was able to speak very clearly, I went to my daughter’s classroom on a day when parents were invited to come and read one of their child’s favorite books to the class. When it was my daughter’s turn to have her book read she stood and announced, “my mother can’t read, so I will be reading the book to you.”

Mom and spelling words--

In a first grade class two of the spelling words for the week were mother and child.

After giving the word mother to the children the teacher, just trying to bring up the next word said, “and what do all mothers have?”

Child’s response: “a vacuum!”

Understanding baby--

We adopted a little one when she was a brand new baby. We picked her up at the hospital when she was 4 days old and when my young son learned that she had Hispanic blood in her he said, “how will we understand her when she starts talking?”

Simple things are what make the world go round, and simply put, Kids say funny things. Consider these—

Dad and pop—

Two first graders were talking on the playground. One said, “what happens if you drink too much pop?” The other answered, “you get fat like my dad.”

An F for dad—

One day my husband and I were discussing some things and at one point my husband said, “Yeah, but.... “ My son piped up and said, “you get an F dad. My teacher says that yabut is not a word.”

Patience with Teens—

Years ago I was blessed (?) with the opportunity of working with some teens on a variety show to be held at a local High School. One of the boys resisted the chance to be involved in something good. I wanted to help him, thinking that this would be a rewarding experience for him, so I went out of my way to keep him involved. I called and encouraged, offered rides to practices, and even went to his home to help him learn his part, since he wouldn’t get himself to practices. I had a young family and was very busy at the time.

At one point I was getting a little frustrated and feeling sorry for myself because he wouldn’t even try after I had put myself and family out. I obviously hid it well though because just when I was about to say something I might regret he looked at me and said, “listen, this may be FUN for YOU, but it’s NOT for me!”

Ak-chewwally—

One day I was driving my little 3 year old friend home after playing at my house all day. I had an errand to run and I asked Dallin if he wanted to go with me to run the errand or if he’d rather I take him home first. It was very cloudy outside, and he said, “ak-chewwally granma, I don’t think I have time. See how it’s getting dark? So take me home first Paleaze.” (You can always tell oldest children!)

What’s your name again?---

My grown son lived in Peru for a couple years and made friends with several children who came to love his funny and playful nature. They couldn’t pronounce his last name, “Burningham” so they called him the closest “familiar” English name they could think of. He became known as “Burger King.”

Bringing Holiday Cheer?—

One year we took our little son with us to deliver a holiday gift basket to an elderly couple that we had learned were struggling terribly financially. They were so kind and invited us in. We were enjoying a wonderful conversation when my son said, “do you know why we’re here?”

The kind gentleman responded, “no, why?”

I sat beaming in anticipation of some wonderfully sweet response when to my horror my son said, “because you’re poor!”

You may have heard of these words of wisdom uttered by young children:

“It’s better for girls to be single, but not for boys. They need someone to pick up after them.” Anita, age 9

“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR ‘cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” Allison, age 10

Smart grandson (of course!)--

My 3 year old grandson said, “Grandma, I would like some hot chocolate please. Do you know why I like hot chocolate so much grannmma? Because it’s soooo relaxing”

I said, “how do you know that?”

He said, “because I’m really, really smart!”

Those darn Halloween costumes—

One day I was babysitting my little grandson at his house. He had just gotten a Halloween costume and was showing it off to me by wearing it around the house and acting like a real “cowboy.” He got hot and decided to take it off. It was one of those that you slip into and then tie it in the back. It had a false vest sewn into it and my grandson was pulling and pulling on the vest trying to get it off. Finally he said, “grannnmmma can you help me get this off?” Then he cocked his little head, looked up at me and said, “I guess I forgot to read the directions.”

My son wants to meet you--

My husband still has nightmares about the time he and my son (six at the time) attended a gathering where there was a very well known religious figure in attendance. As everyone got up to leave my husband scooped my son up into his arms and said, “let’s go meet him!” My son was a little cranky and tired after sitting for so long, and less than enthusiastic. My husband assumed that his own enthusiasm would rub off on my son. My husband called to the beloved man as he was exiting the building and when they reached him, my husband said, “please sir, my little boy would like to shake your hand,” to which my son replied, “dad, why do you always lie?”

Sunday School pictures--

One day a Sunday School teacher gave the young class the assignment to draw a picture having to do with the birth of Jesus. Soon babies in managers, figures of wise men, donkeys, inns and shepherds appeared on the papers. One little boy’s picture was puzzling. He had drawn an airplane with faces in two of the windows, and a large round thing to the side. When the teacher asked him about his picture he explained, “this is Mary and Joseph on their flight to Egypt, and this (pointing to the round blob) is round John Virgin.”

My favorite Chicken!

One thing to miss when there are no more little ones around the house are all the cute things that come out of their mouths. Now that I’m a grandma I get to hear these only on occasion when I’m with my grandkids.

The other day I asked my little 4-year old grandson if he’d like a piece of ham for lunch. He said, “I guess so, but you know what granma? Akchewally pork chops are my favorite chicken!”

A couple of his uncles are married but the one going to college and still dating has him a little puzzled as we learned. One day he said, “how come Steve has so many wives?”

Little family memories are the best, aren’t they?

Grandparents...Really

Some wonderful observations that children have made of grandparents—

• Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people’s.
• A grandfather is a man grandmother.
• Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run.
• They don’t say, “Hurry up.”
• Sometimes grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
• Grandparents wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. They don’t have to be smart.
• Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television, because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
• When they read to us, they don’t skip.
• Grandma lives at the airport. When we want her we just go get her. When we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.
• Grandparents know we should have snack time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.

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Just a Mom

Famous Mothers

We’ve all got one—a mother that is. Aren’t they great! And it’s nice to know that things haven’t changed much over time.

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you--quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

(Source: www.allcleanhumor.com/)

Happy Mother’s Day to Mature Moms

Here’s another one of those anonymous emails you should never waste time reading—but how do you know whether they’re good or not if you don’t!?

Does this sound familiar? Can you relate to this? Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and I notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are inmy desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can

of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen

table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but I'll check my e-mail.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

What I learned as a Mother (A little sarcasm about the greatest job on earth)

Since I’m on the “other” side of motherhood—meaning my children are grown and on their own—I thought it appropriate to share some of the things I learned first hand (which means the hard way) as a mother of many children. I think I can safely say, “been there, done that” when it comes to several aspects of raising children (although I wouldn’t recommend saying that to younger moms currently at the peak of their learning curves). Let’s begin then—no kidding aside, mind you.

A couple experiences and lessons I’d like to share about infants:

• Nowadays most women don’t stay in the hospital for any length of time after delivering a baby, and it’s very unfortunate because doing so teaches you to appreciate home. Babies aren’t the only ones that enjoy waking you up several times in the night; meals are always brought along with a screaming baby; and visitors come most often when you’re on the way to the bathroom in your glamorous one-size-fits-none open-in-the-back hospital gown. Moms nowadays really miss out!
• When I had my babies “bonding” was heating up as the latest must happen phenomenon: unfortunately so was having C-sections and that’s what I ended up with—C-sections. No one told the nurses that the regular shots of morphine, and then oral codeine did not jive with the concept of bonding. I didn’t wake up for about a year. But if you never tell them (your children), they’ll never know, and think they bonded just fine. (Lesson: Weigh carefully the latest and greatest findings!)
• Bodies go through more than just physical changes in order to bring babies into the world. There’s a physiological change also. I know this because the hormone responsible for feelings of guilt (surely there is one right!?), increases ten fold at childbirth; but your husband won’t get it.
• The first time you leave your first baby for a couple hours, he or she will get sick and you’ll think you’ve failed as a mother, abandoning the little one in their hour of need! Even though he’s a whole three months old, I promise, Jr. will forgive you.
• When you leave your baby with your best friend for an afternoon, the baby will develop diarrhea, and your friendship may never be quite the same.
• Having a baby puts an end to all of your illness. Mothers are not allowed to get sick, or at least admit it... or act like it.
• If you have to run somewhere for just a few minutes, and so you don’t bring a diaper and change of clothes for baby, you will undoubtedly need them. If you take the time to pack the diaper bag with everything, baby will be fine... and you’ll be late.
• Finally—(one I’ve learned recently) There are very good reasons for having babies when you’re YOUNG. If you don’t know what they are yet, you will someday.

Lessons as your child grows:

• The saying, “the bigger the better” does NOT apply to children’s birthday parties.
• Prepare for pre-school. It was my experience that when that heart wrenching (for mom) first day of pre-school came, my oldest child flew out of the car and yelled “bye mom” before I was even parked. No wonder we now have restraining devices.
• Pre-school children are most unhappy on the days you have another commitment—an important Dr. appointment or other place to be. Those are the days children stick to your leg sobbing, and throw fits trying to make you believe that they think you will never return, and if you do leave that they will never recover.
• 9-1-1 is a good service... I think. If children decide to try it out after hearing so much about it in school, it just may become hazardous. It’s a service that saves lives but after having to do all I had to do to convince the operator that my child REALLY was just playing around after a lesson on 9-1-1 service at preschool, the child was not safe in my presence.
• The rules you established in stone for child #1 turn to mush by your last.
• There are 3 times as many pictures in the photo album, and ten times the hours of video tape of your first child than all the others combined.
• It’s better not to get married or have a child in May. This Sunday is the 14th and so as it happens (seemingly quite often) Mother’s Day, my anniversary and a son’s birthday all happen at once—yes I had a baby on my 3rd anniversary. How smart is that!? If this happens to you, you need not wonder which celebrations will go by the wayside.
• You will become an expert on the meaning of identity crisis. You will become known as Jr’s mother. If you are linked to Jr. because he has the lead part in the kindergarten play, or he wins the 4th grade Science Fair then consider your identity crisis a blessing. It could be a lot worse, if you catch my drift.
• It does no good to argue with a tired, or angry child... just give in.
• Children learn to open doors many years before they learn to close them.
• It’s impossible to teach a child to flush.
• Children pick up bad habits much more readily than good ones.
• School artwork is sacred, so bury it deep in the trash.
• Young children do not know how to type, and no one informed our elementary school teachers of this. (This was the case with my children growing up in the 80’s. Today I think kids are born knowing how to “word process” so you’ll discover other things the schools require of children that are “adult only” tasks that you get to do!)
• Wandering –type two year olds will choose to explore the world every time the same childless neighbor happens to be outside. If the neighbor only “threatens” to call child protective services feel lucky.
• Accidents that cause broken arms, split lips, and bleeding head wounds happen most often when dad is out of town, you’re pregnant, and babysitting the neighborhood.
• It’s sad that Mother’s day is the worst day of the year for some mom’s. When the little ones dote over you and the big ones manage to say some nice things, just go with the flow and forget your guilty feelings for a day—tomorrow things will be back to normal. Personally my worst days have always been the ones we got (or tried to get) a family portrait taken!
• Children never have the same tastes as their parents: not in food, fashion, music or anything else.
• All children born after 1980 require braces.
• The evolution of man means that 100% of the children born today come with a computer gene, so despite the fact that children become scarce when it’s time to do the dishes or clean their room, they are happy to help you with anything you can imagine a computer doing, by the time they’re 6 or 7, which keeps you humble.

What I learned as a Mother: Motherhood and Housework Don’t Mix

As a mom I learned many, many things I never dreamed of when they first placed that precious, innocent little one in my arms. For instance:

• What takes 2 hours to clean will be undone in 5 minutes.
• Juice, milk, kool-aid, pop, and all forms of liquid anything may be spilled several times in a week, but will ALWAYS be spilled the first meal after mopping the floor.
• Time to change the sheets—then it’s time for an accident at night.
• If you’re too organized you’ll be labeled the “perfect” mom, and it really stinks trying to maintain that reputation. You will either fall from grace, or end up in the psychiatric ward. If you’re disorganized you’ll be the topic of gossip.
• Whatever the latest findings for staying healthy are—vitamin C, wheat germ, oat bran, etc., it will remain THE HOT ITEM only until your refrigerator and cupboards are full of it, and the kids are fed up with it and gag every time you sneak it into anything.
• Children in training will always need to go “right now!” ten minutes down the road.
• Children’s shoes are tripped over all day long but are nowhere to be found when it’s time to go somewhere.
• Washers eat socks one at a time and it’s moms’ fault. The one doing the laundry (mom!) is responsible for ALL missing items in the household—clothing, keys, money, candy bars, etc.--and All damage, and wear found in articles of clothing within your household (the friend’s clothes too if your kids borrowed some)
• If you’re super neat, your children will be the opposite. If you’re not, they will be—whatever it takes to drive each other crazy.
• Be kind to yourself and don’t increase the amount of housekeeping by falling for the lines, “please oh please can’t I have a pet? I PROMISE I will take care of it!” Whether it’s a bird, rat, dog, cat, fish, or frog, it never works out at all like the child says. (We’ve had them all. I’m a slow learner)

What I learned about Family Activities as a MOM

• Naptime is a VERY desirable activity for children. Until the child is at school all day, keep complete control over naptime, never letting the child believe that he or she can make the decision to “not” nap. You know, it’s like making your child wear a jacket because you’re cold: the child must sleep because you’re tired!
• Want to predict the future? Plan a family vacation and someone is sure to get sick.
• Traveling with children on the airplane can be tricky—watch that cup of tomato juice very carefully. Children can pull it down into the lap of the stranger seated next to you in less than half a second.
• You can learn to enjoy family vacations...about 6 months down the road. (By then the ulcers are on the mend, and you have great pictures to enjoy of all the good moments, even if they were staged)
• Eventually husbands forgive you for not packing their suitcase, but it’s hard to forgive yourself when you forget to pack your own because you were so busy remembering everything for the baby, the teenager, and everyone in between.
• All children have different interests from their parents and siblings. So if you buy a boat, decide to take the family to Disneyland (yes, even that), go snow skiing, swimming, hiking, on a picnic, dirt bike riding, to the ballet, symphony or Broadway musical, there will always be at least one that hates it, and tries to make sure you do too!
• Just when you think it may be nice that your teenager has their driver’s license, so you no longer have to be party to putting 10,000 miles on the car each week, and have your identity wrapped up in the mom who drives the blue mini van, your teen starts talking about “freedom”, road trips, and lots of irresponsible stuff. Wondering if you’re doing the right thing as you drive to the licensing place with Jr. is very normal. But face it—there’s no way out. Stopping them now would be like raising your puny arm to stop the flow of water over Niagra Falls!
• The more children you have and the older they get, the more you have to remember; but unfortunately the older you get the more you forget. Teenagers make sure you never forget that you’re losing your mind.

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